Fighting for Jo(e)y

The sky is so vast and it keeps moving, even when the things here on earth keep moving and changing. As I got down under the big blue sky, I only saw her, and that is what she meant to me, my whole world. After I proposed, and she was quite, it was all I could do to think about silly odd things to break the silence in my head than contemplate what could be her answer. Even though it may have been only about 20 seconds before she said yes, I am sure the cosmos changed in those 20 seconds. We would be together in our life. Jayeeta was the right girl for me, I had known ever since I interacted with her at the fresher’s party in college. We had been together 6yrs now, 3 in the college, and 3 at the job. Although we worked in the same city, away from home, we did to not live together. I guess it was just never an issue then.  You may ask why we did not get married right away after college. Well, in India, when you have an elder sibling, you have to be part of the same line for marriage, which you came in this world.  So, it was good that we got our time to go out actually. In college it was mostly hanging at or behind the cafeteria.

Jayeeta is a smart girl. In fact she is the first girl I actually saw reading the editorial page of an English newspaper. No matter how modern Indian girls become, they are still for Hindi soap operas than deeper thinking but not Joey. The best part was that, even though she had her satirical side, she still fell for silly jokes that I or anyone else threw at her. One time, I remember we went to a picnic spot with friends. It was such fun, to dance and play around in the September humidity. She actually felt sad when someone said that they lost their puppy without realizing that it was a zinger in Hindi for his girlfriend (puppy means a kiss in Hindi).

It was not all song and dance for us though. We talked at home after my brother got married and I was the next in line. Her parents were agreeing, my parents were a little reluctant at first. But they got onboard and we had a small ring ceremony at home. Before we could set a date for the marriage, I got an overseas assignment for 6 months and I had to leave in a week. At Finland, I was in a different world. It was a like I belonged to the life style there. The work, the party scene, the natural beauty et al. We kept in touch through internet chats and a few calls in the week. I failed to realize that what we had managed back home was no small feat. As the news of my engagement spread to the relatives, they started their usual bickering that comes along in an inter-cast wedding in India even today. It was on my weekend call at home that Mom said told me. Dad is not happy about bringing a “baniya bahu” home. The root of the matter was one uncle who cited a very sad experience from some god forsaken land. I lost my weekend to the numerous calls home to dad, my sister and mom. I did talk to Joey but it felt like blasphemy when my father was against our union. I told them that I am not letting you make any decisions until I am back in India.

After 2 months of “blasphemy” and checking up on Mom & Dad through my sister mostly, I landed back in Mumbai. Joey of course was at the gates to receive me. I felt like a soldier coming home, fighting a battle in the international waters. I was. Just that the battle raged on at home and not on the high seas. After spending quiet few days at my PG in Mumbai, I went home to confront the inevitable. My father welcomed me with a hug as did Mom. At home it was the usual. They did not want to say anything from the word go, but I could feel the tension inside me churning the space between us even in the same room. Finally, I said to Dad, “Papa, when should we fix the date, I was thinking December.” That let the fox in the chicken hole. What followed was rattling of stories from relatives, friends and even newspapers where boys married for love and ended up paying for divorce with the money, imprisonment and jail. What they failed to realize was that both our families were well to do, upper middle class families; which was primarily my argument. The culture difference was not my point to defend. I firmly believe that culture is a mix of beliefs and not an individual thing. Thus, the battle went on for 5 days, with intermittent laughter of friends and the temple visits among the Navratri celebrations. Finally on the day of Dusshera my dad conceded. It was like the victory of good over evil as symbolized since ancient times, on that day. I felt like Ram did; a killer of a very learned and wise man’s instincts. Yet, I was happy as I could get on with my life with my family and my Joey.

It will be 2 yrs this December since we got married, we both want a girl, but we will have to wait another 2 months to find out. 

Death of the social order

The way life is going it could be another 30 years before I can figure out anything more with any degree of certainty than what I have in the first 30 yrs of my life. I have loved, lost loved ones and lived a life which is ordinary by many standards, but not mine. I still remember my mother taking me to school for the first time. The memory is as fresh as my 30th birthday celebrations last night. So many birthdays have come and gone in between but I still find myself as clueless about life as the day I went to school in my mother's arms. I was not scared then, but I am not scared now. Then what is it that is lacking? 

I came to Delhi when taking the transfer from the local office to the zonal head quarter in Gurgaon, 5years ago. It was the promise of opportunity that the news spelled. Living in a metro, working hard to build a career and yes..Independence. My parents never let me feel less privileged or treat me any different from my younger brother. But even he had come of age into playing the big brotherly/fatherly role to me. I on the other hand am still confused. I fell in love in college and when it ended, college, not the love, I thought we would be working together and marry soon. But no matter what people say, long distance is never really a great thing for relationships. So, even as he moved into another company the city seemed so big now to even manage a meeting a week. Yes, it was not the long distance, but the commitment that waded away, giving way to the routine of work and the charm of an office party in the evening (for me). 

I remember how I moved from a marketing and management role in the Jaipur office to a creative consultant's role in the "ZO". Someone said ZO and I had thought they are discussing shampoo components - that was my first week in office. Now it was my "ZO". The part when I moved into a rented PG was exciting. Even though they had time restrictions at the place, we still jumped the gate one too many times. We made such great friends there that lack of sleep was never a concern, spending the wee hours over masala tea with Upasna and Neha (the neighbor) were an absolute delight. We were doing well in their respective careers and so we decided to rent our own place so we can be on our own without spelling about how Upi jumped the gate tonight. I missed the excitement of rushing home but that made up for going for a 11pm show to the multiplex. But this was short lived. Upasna's boyfriend popped the question on their 1st anniversary and she got married within 3 months of us moving into the flat. Even though I am a social person at heart but I didn't want to find another roommate. I decided to afford the place on my own and stay. Today, my maid meant my home to me. I had another relationship last year, it was the photographer for one of the photo shoots I had. I was single and not really looking for a relationship. I was happy indulging myself in spas or movie DVDs over a carton of ice cream. But somehow Ahmad had that charm. In his mid 30s he was charming and well built too. Even the shoot was over, I found myself calling him on my way home from office. When it turned into a regular thing, I didn't know. He was single, like most photographers I have come across are, but it was Ahmed; not someone. We started going out on dinners and how the relationship developed into a romance, I never remember. I lost my innocence to him. That is polite way to say I lost my virginity to him. I was in love, again and never cared to think ahead. How religion was still an issue in my (read my parents) life when it came  to marriage. I was saved the dreaded discussion though. Ahmad got an overseas assignment and moved to Singapore for an year with Vogue and I didn't want the pain and wonder of another long distance relationship. We decided to call it quits. I never discussed marriage with him or the issue of inter religion marriage with my parents. I guess it is a closet secret I am sharing with you here.

For 6 months, everytime Ahmad would come visiting, we met for dinner, and ended up at breakfast together. Even though we were not in a relationship, but I could not resist him. I decided to go back to my indulging phase and stop answering his calls. The best part was, I discovered that as long as there is bollywood churning out movies at its world famous pace, and there is enough cooling technology for ice cream, I can live in solitary confinement. It doesn't mean I still feel the void, of waking up to the warmth of another human being, and coming home to "my" partner in life. It is still there. But my social life, the way I was, an absolute outgoing kind of person. I am not anymore. I still go out with friends and party every week but somehow, I feel dead inside. I have nothing but my work to bury myself in, and even that is getting rare with the second drift of recession. Last one had me around Ahmad, this one doesn't allow me a living anchor.

Ritu Chaudhary

P.S. Much needed pleasant news - Upasana is expecting, and she confessed to me, before Rahul or anyone. Comforting to know some people have their life in order. 

Selfish Walk

On the onset, let me just mention that this is the first post of the  the Jaywalker, away from Lucknow. I am writing this from Agra. The second thing I must mention here is that I am writing this post after such a long break for two reasons: One, I was working in Agra for the last almost 20months & 2, while working, I never had the time, let alone energy to contemplate & write. Now for the actual post...

As I go about my daily routine of chores at home and work in office, I have a habit of noticing people around me, not just interact with them. Those who know me, and KNOW me well would be nodding here. Going about thus, I have developed a few theories on human behavior on my own. Now I don't know if these are standard theories of psychology or they  pertain to the paranormal plain that I have in my head but nevertheless, I have come to rely on them broadly in my daily routine. One such observation which has subsequently become a theory is people are selfish. Before you go all sarcastic on me on this trivial revelation, hear (read) me out.

All people are at the core, social people and as thus survive in a community consisting of our peers, acquaintances, friends & family. These social circles not just guide us in our daily behavior, they also keep us sane and secure in many ways. One effect of these circles is that people follow a code of morality & ethics which has been ingrained by the people around them; initially family then friends & peers and so on.. Our values keep changing much like our circles. But if given the right setting, the very people who are virtuous would actually act selfishly. Even when in normal circumstances they act selfish and we take their behavior as normal. Why is that? It is because of the ingrained animal selfishness that we all have subconsciously and use as a survival tool. Let me give you a corporate example: Any negotiation continues until both sides are satisfied that they got the best deal, true? In a bargain, how can both sides emerge winners? One must loose, right? Wrong. In an negotiation the perception of the parties matter and not the outcome. So long as they both perceive that they are gaining from the deal, it is signed, sealed and delivered without any hiccups. Where is the selfish angle to this you ask. Any deal that we make is for selfish reasons. The person pushing the deal forward stands to gain the business & quite possibly a handsome incentive for the closed deal. The person taking the deal stands to profit from the deal by taking and utilizing or selling the offered product. Thus, even though their could have been a better bargain price for the taker, or a higher price for the maker, both arrive at a common midway where both of them are loosing a part of the profit (in economic terms, some opportunity costs too) while still going ahead with the deal.

Let us take another example. In a family, people work out of love and not selfishly. But yet we see people doing selfish things. Here one can say that love itself is the most selfish emotion. We do something out of love because it makes us feel better. Thus, it is a selfish act, when we act because of love.

Through this roller coaster of arguments, you might have lost the point so let me put it forth again; We are selfish at the most basic & core level. Anyone who says he is not selfish is lying (he may be oblivious to the it). The best thing we can do is accept & endorse that we are selfish instead of continuously trying figure out ways around it.