Death of the social order

The way life is going it could be another 30 years before I can figure out anything more with any degree of certainty than what I have in the first 30 yrs of my life. I have loved, lost loved ones and lived a life which is ordinary by many standards, but not mine. I still remember my mother taking me to school for the first time. The memory is as fresh as my 30th birthday celebrations last night. So many birthdays have come and gone in between but I still find myself as clueless about life as the day I went to school in my mother's arms. I was not scared then, but I am not scared now. Then what is it that is lacking? 

I came to Delhi when taking the transfer from the local office to the zonal head quarter in Gurgaon, 5years ago. It was the promise of opportunity that the news spelled. Living in a metro, working hard to build a career and yes..Independence. My parents never let me feel less privileged or treat me any different from my younger brother. But even he had come of age into playing the big brotherly/fatherly role to me. I on the other hand am still confused. I fell in love in college and when it ended, college, not the love, I thought we would be working together and marry soon. But no matter what people say, long distance is never really a great thing for relationships. So, even as he moved into another company the city seemed so big now to even manage a meeting a week. Yes, it was not the long distance, but the commitment that waded away, giving way to the routine of work and the charm of an office party in the evening (for me). 

I remember how I moved from a marketing and management role in the Jaipur office to a creative consultant's role in the "ZO". Someone said ZO and I had thought they are discussing shampoo components - that was my first week in office. Now it was my "ZO". The part when I moved into a rented PG was exciting. Even though they had time restrictions at the place, we still jumped the gate one too many times. We made such great friends there that lack of sleep was never a concern, spending the wee hours over masala tea with Upasna and Neha (the neighbor) were an absolute delight. We were doing well in their respective careers and so we decided to rent our own place so we can be on our own without spelling about how Upi jumped the gate tonight. I missed the excitement of rushing home but that made up for going for a 11pm show to the multiplex. But this was short lived. Upasna's boyfriend popped the question on their 1st anniversary and she got married within 3 months of us moving into the flat. Even though I am a social person at heart but I didn't want to find another roommate. I decided to afford the place on my own and stay. Today, my maid meant my home to me. I had another relationship last year, it was the photographer for one of the photo shoots I had. I was single and not really looking for a relationship. I was happy indulging myself in spas or movie DVDs over a carton of ice cream. But somehow Ahmad had that charm. In his mid 30s he was charming and well built too. Even the shoot was over, I found myself calling him on my way home from office. When it turned into a regular thing, I didn't know. He was single, like most photographers I have come across are, but it was Ahmed; not someone. We started going out on dinners and how the relationship developed into a romance, I never remember. I lost my innocence to him. That is polite way to say I lost my virginity to him. I was in love, again and never cared to think ahead. How religion was still an issue in my (read my parents) life when it came  to marriage. I was saved the dreaded discussion though. Ahmad got an overseas assignment and moved to Singapore for an year with Vogue and I didn't want the pain and wonder of another long distance relationship. We decided to call it quits. I never discussed marriage with him or the issue of inter religion marriage with my parents. I guess it is a closet secret I am sharing with you here.

For 6 months, everytime Ahmad would come visiting, we met for dinner, and ended up at breakfast together. Even though we were not in a relationship, but I could not resist him. I decided to go back to my indulging phase and stop answering his calls. The best part was, I discovered that as long as there is bollywood churning out movies at its world famous pace, and there is enough cooling technology for ice cream, I can live in solitary confinement. It doesn't mean I still feel the void, of waking up to the warmth of another human being, and coming home to "my" partner in life. It is still there. But my social life, the way I was, an absolute outgoing kind of person. I am not anymore. I still go out with friends and party every week but somehow, I feel dead inside. I have nothing but my work to bury myself in, and even that is getting rare with the second drift of recession. Last one had me around Ahmad, this one doesn't allow me a living anchor.

Ritu Chaudhary

P.S. Much needed pleasant news - Upasana is expecting, and she confessed to me, before Rahul or anyone. Comforting to know some people have their life in order. 

The heartache story which tells us more about ourself

Crouching in the corner of my bathroom, I pressed my flushed cheeks against the cold tile floor – that way, I couldn’t feel the tears running down my face. When my relationship ended with my first love, there was no empty pint of Haagen-Dazs, there was no girls’ night out to help me forget. There was just me and the gentle hum of the radiator. I had to ask myself, what else was left? At the time, I couldn’t think of anything but a broken heart.

“‘Tis better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all,” wrote the poet Alfred Lord Tennyson. Some might say this isn’t true, but I know it has to be. While it sounds just right of a New Age preacher, keeping yourself from love is to keep you from yourself. Relationship experience provides us with the knowledge that comes with being hurt. “Every interaction we have with other people serves as a mirror of what we're carrying inside; when we're involved with a partner, this is simply intensified,” said relationship expert Seth Mullins. “Acknowledging that we're the ones creating our personal experience in the first place is the only way to feel empowered to change that experience.” When people don’t learn from their past, they’re bound to repeat the same mistakes (i.e., different face, same heartache).

“In some ways, my ex was perfect for me, but in others we weren’t so compatible. Both the good and the bad taught me about what I want next time,” relationship blogger Rachel Kramer Bussel told dating site The Frisky. Past relationships can show us our strengths and our weaknesses, and they can guide us toward longer-lasting relationships in the future. Ignoring this opportunity for growth only allows bitterness, anger and depression to endure. Every relationship will teach you something new about yourself and what you’re looking for, Bussel was able to discover what she needed after examining her past. “It’s rare to find someone I can truly let go with,” she said, “but that’s what I want in the future: someone who lets me be me.”

Even though I knew my friends were right when they told me that I’d move on, that things would get better, it was the last thing I wanted to hear during that time. What I would come to realize, is that there’s something about love that makes us forget the pain that happens when it ends. Love doesn’t have to paralyze you, it can empower you. As my favorite philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche would say, “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” 

A lost Idea

I walked past the bakery and for the nth time, tried not to notice all the beautiful cakes they have on display. Why are guys supposed to be all macho and not display their affection openly like girls can, I wondered? It was 3 weeks since we last had a word and even though I saw her every morning without fail, I couldn't comprehend what she was going through. Three years of our life down the drain. Even though I decided, due to reasons I only knew, but I still think she was in much more pain than me...I am the guy, I am supposed to be indifferent to pain. Or so I thought. (I realised otherwise later on). 

We met by chance, in the waiting room for a job interview, fresh out of college. And even though, we were gunning for the same opening, we became friends. She got the job. I never said a word about the fact; I got another job n we never discussed about it. We became friends, first by design, then by choice. I always had a soft spot for lost souls, and all my friends told me it was because of her looks and not her disposition that I was friends with her, but I knew the truth. I have never been attracted to someone because of their looks. It ranks very high for most people I know, but then attraction and love are not a physical attribute. I keep confusing and correcting myself...We are...no; I am single now, no more 'we'. It was such a relationship, not because it lasted so long but because I never valued anyone like that before. It was like a normal start off to our relationship. The long, late night calls, the bunking office for a movie. It seems like paradise now. But, as with any relationship, or a friendship, the initial phase is the most exciting. And when you are 23, it happens even faster. We worked around our office and we would always meet up at the nearby Cafe coffee day (CCD as our generation calls it). She would order her mocha or late, me an avid tea lover. It was the beauty of our likes. We had so many things we liked together, yet, we had enough differences to give that spunk, the spice for us to live on.

I can go on and on about how it seemed that we were meant to be together.At least I thought so.. But she...

It was a good 2 years into our relationship and we were discussing something non-consequential...politics. I said I would vote for someone who stood for some agenda I don't even remember anymore and she was against it. It was one of those arguments you have just for the sake of it, so you can enjoy talking to each other. But it was the moment that it struck me. Even though she had always been the diplomatic type, I thought it was for the consequence of a fight she didn't want to have. She was just that sweet. She would go along with my ideas, just so that we won't argue. It was then, that I realised that I want someone who is opinionated than someone like her. I want someone strong in my life, not a conformist. I still stand by that opinion. 

It was a good month, and well after her birthday that I finally confronted her about this. (I didn't want to be the ass who picked a fight, to dump his girlfriend right before her birthday.) All she said was that she would do anything to make me happy. Sounded good at the time, but I would rather be with a person than a foam cushion which adapts to my body size. And when I told her that, she didn't talk to me for a week. Normally I would take it to heart and do whatever I could to make it right by her, but this time, it didn't bother me and I went about my business as usual. Everyday that passed without us talking, I realised that she was just a part of my life and not THE LIFE that I thought she was. It was then that I decided that I should call it off. It was like a bomb for my family, as I am sure it was for her, as they were already planning our wedding in the winter. I told my sisters, and then my mom. I figured that my dad would automatically by informed. In the society that I belong to, father and son are not so comfortable about emotions and feelings. I believe it is true for most part of the world.

I had got her a place in the same locality as mine. Which, for the time we were together was always a plus. She could hangout at my place and stay even, if it got too late, and my parents are accommodating in that way. But once we stopped seeing each other, it was like a game. Every morning I would position my maid, to let me know if she was on her way, so that I could avoid meeting her eye on my way to work. She didn't make any such effort. Girls are strong in moving on I guess. 

What I learned from being in the relationship and in the one year since it ended...its that one can be reliant on a person and hope for the best. We try to measure up the person on some imaginative scale that we have for ourselves. The ideal person we see ourselves spending the life with. We plan things when we think we have met that person in our life. But Life can never be planned. It is the excitement of the unknown

And when you plan weeks and even a month in advance, its the best thing you can do. I ended up using the cake I ordered for my sister's birthday. She stood by my side and always would, no matter if I call her, wish her good morning everyday or not. "To the most important person in my life" said the card on the box, and my sister still thinks it was meant for her; even by default, she still is the most important person of my life.

Selfish Walk

On the onset, let me just mention that this is the first post of the  the Jaywalker, away from Lucknow. I am writing this from Agra. The second thing I must mention here is that I am writing this post after such a long break for two reasons: One, I was working in Agra for the last almost 20months & 2, while working, I never had the time, let alone energy to contemplate & write. Now for the actual post...

As I go about my daily routine of chores at home and work in office, I have a habit of noticing people around me, not just interact with them. Those who know me, and KNOW me well would be nodding here. Going about thus, I have developed a few theories on human behavior on my own. Now I don't know if these are standard theories of psychology or they  pertain to the paranormal plain that I have in my head but nevertheless, I have come to rely on them broadly in my daily routine. One such observation which has subsequently become a theory is people are selfish. Before you go all sarcastic on me on this trivial revelation, hear (read) me out.

All people are at the core, social people and as thus survive in a community consisting of our peers, acquaintances, friends & family. These social circles not just guide us in our daily behavior, they also keep us sane and secure in many ways. One effect of these circles is that people follow a code of morality & ethics which has been ingrained by the people around them; initially family then friends & peers and so on.. Our values keep changing much like our circles. But if given the right setting, the very people who are virtuous would actually act selfishly. Even when in normal circumstances they act selfish and we take their behavior as normal. Why is that? It is because of the ingrained animal selfishness that we all have subconsciously and use as a survival tool. Let me give you a corporate example: Any negotiation continues until both sides are satisfied that they got the best deal, true? In a bargain, how can both sides emerge winners? One must loose, right? Wrong. In an negotiation the perception of the parties matter and not the outcome. So long as they both perceive that they are gaining from the deal, it is signed, sealed and delivered without any hiccups. Where is the selfish angle to this you ask. Any deal that we make is for selfish reasons. The person pushing the deal forward stands to gain the business & quite possibly a handsome incentive for the closed deal. The person taking the deal stands to profit from the deal by taking and utilizing or selling the offered product. Thus, even though their could have been a better bargain price for the taker, or a higher price for the maker, both arrive at a common midway where both of them are loosing a part of the profit (in economic terms, some opportunity costs too) while still going ahead with the deal.

Let us take another example. In a family, people work out of love and not selfishly. But yet we see people doing selfish things. Here one can say that love itself is the most selfish emotion. We do something out of love because it makes us feel better. Thus, it is a selfish act, when we act because of love.

Through this roller coaster of arguments, you might have lost the point so let me put it forth again; We are selfish at the most basic & core level. Anyone who says he is not selfish is lying (he may be oblivious to the it). The best thing we can do is accept & endorse that we are selfish instead of continuously trying figure out ways around it.