The heartache story which tells us more about ourself

Crouching in the corner of my bathroom, I pressed my flushed cheeks against the cold tile floor – that way, I couldn’t feel the tears running down my face. When my relationship ended with my first love, there was no empty pint of Haagen-Dazs, there was no girls’ night out to help me forget. There was just me and the gentle hum of the radiator. I had to ask myself, what else was left? At the time, I couldn’t think of anything but a broken heart.

“‘Tis better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all,” wrote the poet Alfred Lord Tennyson. Some might say this isn’t true, but I know it has to be. While it sounds just right of a New Age preacher, keeping yourself from love is to keep you from yourself. Relationship experience provides us with the knowledge that comes with being hurt. “Every interaction we have with other people serves as a mirror of what we're carrying inside; when we're involved with a partner, this is simply intensified,” said relationship expert Seth Mullins. “Acknowledging that we're the ones creating our personal experience in the first place is the only way to feel empowered to change that experience.” When people don’t learn from their past, they’re bound to repeat the same mistakes (i.e., different face, same heartache).

“In some ways, my ex was perfect for me, but in others we weren’t so compatible. Both the good and the bad taught me about what I want next time,” relationship blogger Rachel Kramer Bussel told dating site The Frisky. Past relationships can show us our strengths and our weaknesses, and they can guide us toward longer-lasting relationships in the future. Ignoring this opportunity for growth only allows bitterness, anger and depression to endure. Every relationship will teach you something new about yourself and what you’re looking for, Bussel was able to discover what she needed after examining her past. “It’s rare to find someone I can truly let go with,” she said, “but that’s what I want in the future: someone who lets me be me.”

Even though I knew my friends were right when they told me that I’d move on, that things would get better, it was the last thing I wanted to hear during that time. What I would come to realize, is that there’s something about love that makes us forget the pain that happens when it ends. Love doesn’t have to paralyze you, it can empower you. As my favorite philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche would say, “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” 

A lost Idea

I walked past the bakery and for the nth time, tried not to notice all the beautiful cakes they have on display. Why are guys supposed to be all macho and not display their affection openly like girls can, I wondered? It was 3 weeks since we last had a word and even though I saw her every morning without fail, I couldn't comprehend what she was going through. Three years of our life down the drain. Even though I decided, due to reasons I only knew, but I still think she was in much more pain than me...I am the guy, I am supposed to be indifferent to pain. Or so I thought. (I realised otherwise later on). 

We met by chance, in the waiting room for a job interview, fresh out of college. And even though, we were gunning for the same opening, we became friends. She got the job. I never said a word about the fact; I got another job n we never discussed about it. We became friends, first by design, then by choice. I always had a soft spot for lost souls, and all my friends told me it was because of her looks and not her disposition that I was friends with her, but I knew the truth. I have never been attracted to someone because of their looks. It ranks very high for most people I know, but then attraction and love are not a physical attribute. I keep confusing and correcting myself...We are...no; I am single now, no more 'we'. It was such a relationship, not because it lasted so long but because I never valued anyone like that before. It was like a normal start off to our relationship. The long, late night calls, the bunking office for a movie. It seems like paradise now. But, as with any relationship, or a friendship, the initial phase is the most exciting. And when you are 23, it happens even faster. We worked around our office and we would always meet up at the nearby Cafe coffee day (CCD as our generation calls it). She would order her mocha or late, me an avid tea lover. It was the beauty of our likes. We had so many things we liked together, yet, we had enough differences to give that spunk, the spice for us to live on.

I can go on and on about how it seemed that we were meant to be together.At least I thought so.. But she...

It was a good 2 years into our relationship and we were discussing something non-consequential...politics. I said I would vote for someone who stood for some agenda I don't even remember anymore and she was against it. It was one of those arguments you have just for the sake of it, so you can enjoy talking to each other. But it was the moment that it struck me. Even though she had always been the diplomatic type, I thought it was for the consequence of a fight she didn't want to have. She was just that sweet. She would go along with my ideas, just so that we won't argue. It was then, that I realised that I want someone who is opinionated than someone like her. I want someone strong in my life, not a conformist. I still stand by that opinion. 

It was a good month, and well after her birthday that I finally confronted her about this. (I didn't want to be the ass who picked a fight, to dump his girlfriend right before her birthday.) All she said was that she would do anything to make me happy. Sounded good at the time, but I would rather be with a person than a foam cushion which adapts to my body size. And when I told her that, she didn't talk to me for a week. Normally I would take it to heart and do whatever I could to make it right by her, but this time, it didn't bother me and I went about my business as usual. Everyday that passed without us talking, I realised that she was just a part of my life and not THE LIFE that I thought she was. It was then that I decided that I should call it off. It was like a bomb for my family, as I am sure it was for her, as they were already planning our wedding in the winter. I told my sisters, and then my mom. I figured that my dad would automatically by informed. In the society that I belong to, father and son are not so comfortable about emotions and feelings. I believe it is true for most part of the world.

I had got her a place in the same locality as mine. Which, for the time we were together was always a plus. She could hangout at my place and stay even, if it got too late, and my parents are accommodating in that way. But once we stopped seeing each other, it was like a game. Every morning I would position my maid, to let me know if she was on her way, so that I could avoid meeting her eye on my way to work. She didn't make any such effort. Girls are strong in moving on I guess. 

What I learned from being in the relationship and in the one year since it ended...its that one can be reliant on a person and hope for the best. We try to measure up the person on some imaginative scale that we have for ourselves. The ideal person we see ourselves spending the life with. We plan things when we think we have met that person in our life. But Life can never be planned. It is the excitement of the unknown

And when you plan weeks and even a month in advance, its the best thing you can do. I ended up using the cake I ordered for my sister's birthday. She stood by my side and always would, no matter if I call her, wish her good morning everyday or not. "To the most important person in my life" said the card on the box, and my sister still thinks it was meant for her; even by default, she still is the most important person of my life.